Let me catch you up!
I've been through a lot these past few years, my brain and my self-esteem is not what it once was.
I took a sales job right out of college and fell madly in love with a coworker...the catch? He is twice my age. Not a problem for us but apparently a problem for everyone else in our lives. My dad didn't speak to me for months, called me every name in the book, threatened to come fight him...just lost his mind when I told him. Mind you I thought they would be really happy for me that I found someone who treated me so amazingly. Often treating me better than I had ever seen my own father treat my mother. Eventually they did meet and all that drama has since disappeared. His children, from a previous marriage, to this day have not met me or our children (2 year old twins). His parents have been lovely and we spend time with them as often as we can. It's a slow work in progress and he plays a big role in why that is so slow. More to come on that...
We both left that horrible sales job. He moved on to a much better job and is doing great. I ended up leaving that miserable job and took another miserable office job. I figured with an office job I would see my kids more often and stop hating my life so much. Well, I ended up losing that office job (hated it) and that's when all the "fun" started. Our twins were so young, still under a year old, and all I could imagine was me pushing a stroller around the food pantry. We had no money saved and very little money coming in. He was still obligated to pay his ex and the amount left over was not enough to provide for our family. All in all, it was pure hell. We scraped by on what he contributed to our house along with state aid and unemployement payments. I maxed out every credit card in my possession and almost bankrupted my parents in the process. 100% stressed out 100% of the time. We were constantly juggling bills, not sure which ones to pay and which ones to just go late on.
In the midst of all this, I got sick. Really sick. This is usually where people will brag about their significant others and blab on and on about how they couldnt have possibly gotten through it without them. Well, in my world, this is the part where I tell you mine said he was leaving me. To this day, I honestly feel like he aggravated my illness rather than helped it. He stayed with me during my treatments and was there to hold my hair back while I vommitted from all the medications. Yes, yes he was there. But he didn't want to be. He prepared the meals, bathed the children, did the housework, yep, he did it all. But in the back of his head he was planning how he would leave me. I was devastated, I hated him, I blamed him for my illness...told him he was making it worse! I wanted to make him feel what I was feeling. What was I going to do? My family lives thousands of miles away! How will I get through this on my own!?! I screamed and threw things, just had a massive fit. I had no choice but to let him help me. I had no one else. No one. He stayed and never actually ended up leaving me. I made every moment he spent with me, a moment where I aired my greivances and he just listened. He and I have a complicated relationship. To this day it isn't simple or easy. He has 4 children with his ex-wife and they have yet to meet our twins. It's hard on all of us and he breaks sometimes. Have I excused him from his actions during this miserable time in my life? Absolutely not, but I do realize that he is struggling too. That was his first break down. Mine was still brewing.
After we got past my illness, I was back to full time job searching. And after 6 months of interviews, applying, and a mounting pile of debt, I finally had a legitimate job offer that we felt could be the start of something really great for our family. Flexibility, steady pay, promotions, car, insurance...everything! I got the job and it's been a blessing. I'm not a religious person but I'll always call it a blessing. I'm not going to get into which company I work for but I can tell you I sell chocolate for a living and I am so fortunate. Best company ever and best job ever. Love it. That being said, I got used to being at home with the twins all day, everyday. Will my boss understand that my daycare opens at 7:30am and closes at 5:00pm? And no I won't change daycare centers...I fell in love with this one and so have my kids. Will my new boss understand that my child will have to stay home, and so will I, when they are sick? Does he know that when my daycare closes for every imaginable holiday, I will have to stay home? The answer is no. He's in his 20's and just got back from a trip to Europe with his drinking buddies. How the hell is this going to work? He's going to think I'm completely nuts! We still struggle with this day in and day out. It's not easy being working parents, with no family around to help. When we both come home from work, busting our butts double time to make up for any lost time, we bust our butts with the kids when we get home. Life sometimes feels like it's on repeat for us during the week. Non-stop rushing around. Add to that the stress of large amounts of debt, relationship and family stresses, a chick is bound to snap.
With everything that has happened with my 'other' (he's leaving, he's staying, he's happy, he's sad) and all the stresses of being a mom of twins, sick, unemployed and now in debt up to my red hair, I found myself in zombie mode. I didn't want to screw up this new job and I was beginning to feel uninvolved and really just not interested. I knew it was time to bring in the big guns and go see a therapist. I jumped through all the hoops my new fancy insurance company required in order for me to get the referral. I even did it without bitching. I got the referral two weeks ago and have called this therapist every 3 days since then. No calls back!! What's a girl gotta do to get some help over here? I'm determined to sort out my life and understand why I do the things I do. Should I just kick him out to the streets and let him figure out whatever it is that may be? Agh...who knows but I know my life needs to be sorted out and I need help to do that. It's debt, low self esteem, constant worrying, mistrust, and insecurities. For now, we wait for her to call back and if it doesn't happen I will find someone else and my writing journey will continue.
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