Now I know what "bitter divorce" means. It means that you can't look at the person you used to long to look at and be looked at by; and when you do, you quickly look away with a feeling of contempt and a lip curled in disgust at the sight of that person and your own incomprehensible attraction to him at some point in the distant, the oh so distant past. It means that every interaction is painstakingly drawn out, complicated and fraught with maneuvers, games, and posturing. It means that there is still a connection between you, and it is poisonous and based on loathing, disappointment, shock, and the dull ache that is left in the wake of asking yourself "how could I have loved him?" far too many times-with no satisfying answer.
Bitter divorce means that you are not able to sit together in the marital residence to discuss the Property Settlement Agreement and the Custody Agreement. It also means that you can't sit at a neutral location to discuss the dissolution of the marriage without getting up in a huff because your words are being misconstrued or not heard. It means trying to work out a fair agreement with someone who no longer treats you fairly. It means trying to maintain your self-respect and adhere to your morality in spite of the taunts, trials, and trauma of trying to talk reasonably with a man who knows no reason but his own.
Bitter divorce means crying into the pillow of the couch where you have gone to sleep rather than be in the same bed as the man whose presence makes you hang onto the side of the mattress fearful that he will reach over to touch you. It means preferring to sleep on a love seat or a mattress on the floor rather than on a comfort top mattress with him breathing by your side.
Bitter divorce means crying because you don't see an end in sight to his attempts to continue to embitter your life.
But it also means happiness because you are not longer tied to him, you are no longer related to him, you no longer have to listen to him, you are no longer associated with him.
Bitter divorce, as bitter as it is, it is still far sweeter than a bitter marriage.
To read more about life as I live it in the midst of a bitter divorce, visit my blog at www.rebelliousthoughtsofawoman.com.
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