Is your vagina lazy?
I know that, as a wife, mother and a semi-contributing member of society, my vagina’s productivity is something I worry about. As a blogger, this is a question that often plagues me as I plan my day around yelling at my computer and pretending that I am not watching porn. Especially now that I am over 40, and the primary function as a reproductive conduit is a non-issue – I know I could be finding a more practical daily use for my vagina than, say, shooting ping-pong balls at the cat.
To resolve this quandary, I wisely took to the interwebs, starting with available self-help books:
Who Moved My Vagina
The Vagina Less Travelled
I’m OK, You’re a Vagina
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Vaginas
Jonathan Livingston Vagina
Image: Aloysius Lowe/CNET
As you can see, there is yawning fissure of available information on the subject of lazy vaginas. Googling “Vagina WTF” did yield some recent findings on activities you can try in order to keep your vagina useful and relevant, which I will disseminate below:
- Get Your Knickers in a Knot: In 2013, Casey Jenkins used “skeins of wool, lodged in her vagina tunnel” to knit personalized Christmas gifts for her family, the postman, her boss and the local Mason’s lodge. HA! Not really! It was “Performance Art,” and I immediately ran out and bought “skeins” of “wool” to “lodge” in my “vagina tunnel” in an attempt to create my own “personalized” line of socks. I planned to call them “Camel Toes,” which was unfortunately unavailable. No matter – while I was able to master the “knit one,” the “purl two” proved to be problematic (it gave me gas).
- It’s “Made in My Vagina” Good: Last year, Cecelia Westbrook, an MD/PHD student at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, made yogurt with – yes. Her vagina. Yes. Actually, she made yogurt with stuff that she took OUT of her vagina. After my initial analysis, which consisted of screaming like this, and hiding under the bed, I decided to give it a try. Sadly, this experiment ended when my husband “dropped” the “hammer” on this “nonsense,” which was fine because I prefer Fruit on the Bottom, and don’t even get me started on the Greek angle.
- Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy: 2014 also saw the introduction of the Vibease “smart vibrator.” It may sound like a laxative, but it’s actually a “personal external massage device” that can be controlled by any smart phone you designate. Yes. Right now, anyone in any time zone can, with your permission, light you up like a front-porch bug zapper on a hot August night. All you have to do is remember to wear it, and not to sit on any metal chairs. (Seriously. It went off while I was at a baseball game and I vibrated across three sections, right into a vat of nachos.) On the upside, no more awkward morning-afters. No more frantically hiding your Taylor Swift albums, or sneaking out of his place before dawn with your underwear in your purse. Here’s my number. Call my vagina.
- But will it work with my X-Box? I give you the SKEA, or Smart Kegel Exercise Aid. Invented by Tom Chen and funded by Kickstarter campaign, it’s a video game – controlled by your pelvic floor muscles. To alleviate the boredom associated with traditional Kegels (although I believe I had the jump on this concept with the ping-pong balls), this game allows you to make an avatar on your phone run and jump and dodge obstacles – by squeezing your vagina (much like college). It also gives you “biofeedback” when you get it right – in the form of a li'l vibration. I cannot resist this man, or his magic squeezy device. It’s brilliant, it will help you stop peeing your pants when you sneeze, and it’s on my Christmas list – just as soon as they add an option for more than one player. Because what fun is it if I can’t annihilate someone else’s vagina?
- Idle Hands: Do you know why this device exists? It exists because somewhere – someone, in the throes of self-abuse - paused just long enough to think “Wouldn’t it be cool if I could kick my own vagina?” BOOM! The Heeldo was born. The Heeldo is a hands-free (“big”) personal (“silicone”) massage device (“dick”) that attaches to your HEEL. Oh, wait - no it’s not. I know this, because I just watched the FREE “instructional” video, narrated by our nubile hostess, Ashley. Apparently, the Heeldo is the harness that holds the dildo that goes on the heel that lives in the house that Jack built. Versatile in design, three different attachment points allow for multiple functionality. “Kneel on your favorite dildo while giving oral, leaving your hands free for other things!” winks Ashley, over her shoulder. Like knitting. She cheerfully adds that Heeldo can also be used for “pegging” your partner. (googles “pegging”) Oh, PEGGING. In our house, we call that by its Kama Sutra name, “Get The Fuck Away From Me, You Crazy Bitch.” Watch that ACL tendon, Ashley.
See? My vagina feels more relevant already. It is energized and ready for something to do. I can tell. Yep....
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