I haven't woken up saying that in a very long time. Usually, before I even open my eyes, I'm thinking A. what do I have to face and 2. do I want to? Or should I just end it? Seriously, the thought dying as a way out has crossed my mind more times than I care to admit over the last several months. The idea of facing what I have to seems so overwhelming at times. I know, there are many who see that as "weak". Ok, then I'm weak. But you know what? I do get up. I don't get up until those awful thoughts have passed....until I have "righted" my mind...but I do get up. My day may not go perfectly, but I get up.
My father was mentally ill. The doctor once told my mother that he was so depressed, it was amazing he was able to get out of bed every day, let alone work 2 jobs. I didn't know that feeling at the time. Now I do.
My situation is controllable, changeable. I have to remind myself of that. Even though I sometimes feel like I have none...like things are happening "to" me...I am not helpless. First of all, I am the reason I am here. I am the reason I'm in this situation. I am not a victim. So, therefore, I need to be the reason it gets better. Stop avoiding, and start DOING. Keep moving foward. Just keep swimming. Baby steps, Bob. Whatever mantra works for me, I must remember it. My good friend Tammi reminded me that this is only temporary. This is not forever, and it is not The End. It is temporary.
I am surrounded by good people, good friends, who are willing to help me if I am willing to help myself. Very good people who are optimistic and positive. They believe in me even when I don't.
It's just so exhausting. I know that sounds like I'm whining, but it takes a LOT of energy to be this positive every single day. And then when something happens or I screw up, it's difficult for me to recover. That's just how I am and I fight it and work on changing that, but it's like trudging through molasses sometimes.
For some, it seems to come naturally. They are naturally confident, optimistic, and they just "expect" that everything will work out. I am not one of those people, I have to work.
So off to work I go.....
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