Lilian has been pooping in the potty for a week now. So, I got on the reliable "Babycenter.com" and read up on potty training. I found an article "How to potty train in three days". Heck ya! Thats what we were going to do. Chad and I picked a weekend and dedicated it strickly to potty training. We even blew off the Super Bowl parties.
Friday night I got peed on, three times. Everytime this happened I hurredly took Lily to the bathroom. "We potty on the toilet". Then we'd sit there, get up, sit there, play, sit there. Nothing. According to this potty training method we were to let her pee herself then rush her to the bathroom, so that she learned what the feeling was like. I tried training pants, she peed in them like diapers. I tried pull-ups, to her, those are diapers. So, bare butt it was. Even if every inch of the carpet was cleaned at least once by the end of the day.
Saturday, same thing. Pee, rush, nothing. Back to pull-ups. Now she is going poop in the pull-ups, not even telling us like normal.
Sunday, Pee, rush, nothing. Then began the screaming. She would pee, stand there bow-legged, screaming. We'd rush. She'd arch her back in rebellion. She was tired of potty training. She felt ganged up on. She was scared by the rushing. Chad and I decided she just wasn't ready, that we were rushing her.
This is the thing, Chad and I agreed that we do not want two children in diapers. Therefore, if we want another kid, Lilian has to be potty trained. I guess when she was telling us that she had to go, I thought, this is our chance. Now I feel guilty again. That good ol' Mommy guilt is back. I rushed her for my own selfish reason. A reason that may not hold up, even. At this point, I am not even sure I want another kid. We have had a very bad 15 months. Not with Lily, she is an angel. It was just hard. Hard all over. So, my guilt is building up. Am I being selfish for not having another child? There's so many women out there that can't have children and I am deciding not to? That hardly seems fair. Wouldn't Lily be a better person if she wasn't an only child? How could I take that experience away from her? I know I always wanted a sibling to be close to (my brother and I are oil and water).
For months, I have gone back and forth. I think a second child would be easier. We'd (kind of) know what we were doing. We'd be (more) confident in our parenting skills. We love babies, We love seeing Lily change and grow. We laugh more. We bond more. Lily's random hugs and kisses can take away the stress of a year.
Then there's my fears. Do I really want to have more sleepless nights? The medical bills. The pressure on our marriage. The time away from work. The time away from Lily. One word: Labor.
I constantly keep up with my friends' posts, that have multiple children, and they seem pretty "in control". But what is the back story? Are the struggling? Or is it just a magical thing that falls in to place? My Momma did it, God Bless her soul! But, then again I have always thought of her as stronger than I am. She either hides things well or she is a strong, badass woman!
I feel the pressure, the push to make a decision. My Momma wants more grandbabies. I would love for the children to be close in age. "Are you guys going to have another?"--from EVERYONE, whether it's their business or not.
I just hope something knocks me upside my head with the right answer, and soon.
All For Now, Bloggees,
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