Some days I have to admit that I have a definite toddler side. It isn’t attractive, and I would prefer to keep it to myself, but as I so often say, if it goes without saying I will almost certainly say it someday.
Today was one of those days. I had to get up early and drive 40 minutes in snow and it was 12 degrees outside. Fahrenheit. TWELVE. I mean I live in Kansas, not Siberia, and it was 70 degrees just 2 weeks ago, and if you’ve ever been to Kansas, you’ll know I’m not making this up. At the end of my commute I had the horribly taxing day of sitting in a heated room while being supplied with coffee, muffins, and Hershey’s kisses. You know what comes next. I HAD TO DRIVE HOME.
There I found dirty dishes (mostly coffee cups) and no clean sweats and a pile of manuscripts I needed (that’s still need) to edit, and all I wanted to do was feed my pit bulls and take them to bed with me, a novel, and my electric blanket, turned up to the 12 setting, which I’m pretty sure is a fire hazard.
I may or may not have stomped around while I made a cup of coffee and FLUNG open my (fairly new, fancy) laptop to work on these manuscripts (which I make good money for and mourn for when I don’t have them because I am not using my editorial muscles, not to be found in any anatomy book). I may or may not have eaten M&M’s with my coffee for dinner, because who needs stable blood sugar, vitamins, or protein to feel less exhausted and cranky? They were peanut M&M’s, so that’s good protein, right?
Then I had to go back out in the cold to meet some friends, and they listened to my stories of my no good, very bad day. My friend who works at the homeless shelter said, “It’s colder to sleep on the street right now.” OK, that’s true. My friend who doesn’t have a car said, “I can’t get a good job because it has to be in walking distance.” Wind = out of sails. My friend whose husband just left her with no warning, no job, and three little kids said, “They are cutting my food stamps.” Finally, someone else said her heater motor had just burned out and was costing a fortune to fix.
These people are not this down and out. They were slanting things to make me look like a jerk without saying “you’re a jerk,” because I would’ve stomped out and not gotten the point. It occurs to me I may be difficult to get along with sometimes.
Anyway, I’m still going to bed without eating anything healthy or doing my dishes. I got a new coffee cup at orientation today for my fabulous new job, so I can wait another day to wash the dirty ones. I’m too tired to cook anything and quite likely too tired to eat. I did edit one manuscript: thank God the surgeons don’t have to put off any operations because they were waiting on that scientific discovery, right? I’m very, very happy now (as a patient said to me once, “It’s like a 180-degree change! No, even more! A 360-degree change!”). An electric blanket! How fabulous! An SUV in the driveway, to drive to work in the morning when it’s 6 degrees! (Again, sadly, Fahrenheit.) Oatmeal to have for breakfast that I had money to buy without food stamps. A warm bed, with warm dogs I love to snuggle with. A great job to go to, which I can have because I’m able to get there.
The human brain amazes me with its ability to go from storm to satiation in an instant. Will I ever learn to make that happen on my own? The jury is still out. “Less whining” is a good, short motto, though. Perhaps I should sell bumper stickers for anyone who might drive in front of me.
-- Writer, nurse, overthinker: notratched.net --
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