Dancing with the Stars: All Stars -- Let's Break The Teams Down

6 years ago
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 I can’t believe it’s time for DWTS again.  Didn’t the last season wrap up, like, yesterday?  Seriously, it feels like it did.  So we’re at season 15, 162 so-called “stars” have participated, and a shit-ton of spray tan has been spilled.  I still don’t understand anything Bruno says.  Let’s get some subtitles a la Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  Pretty please?

There are a few changes this year: for starters, you can vote on Facebook and let the entire world know you’re a tool fan.  Judges can award half points.  And you can get 13 votes per voting method (online or by phone).

The “Best of the Best” includes Pamela Anderson, who last go-around was, shall we say, less than stellar.  I’m expecting… a train wreck.  And, guys, what’s with all the facial hair?  I don’t care for it.  Don’t tell me that it’s “manly.”  You’re doing the cha-cha in sequined suspenders, for pete’s sake.  You can cut the crap and lose the chin pubes.  (I’m talkin’ to you, Apolo Anton Ohno.)

Image courtesy of ABC

Here are my impressions of the 13 teams:

‘NSync’s Joey Fatone and Kym

Last time, Joey was runner up to Apolo Ohno and he’s back to win it.   Really? You’re 35 and we’re still going with Joey?  Take a page from Blossom alum Joey *ahem* Joseph Lawrence.  Soooo Joey and Kym were a little out of rhythm during their first rehearsal, what with him planting his balls on her head and her kicking him in the face. (My favorite moment!) They did OK on their cha-cha but there wasn’t anything to compare it to, so there’s that.

Shawn Johnson and Derek

Next up was Olympian and DWTS season 8 champ Shawn Johnson.  She had to retire from gymnastics at the ripe old age of 20 due to a knee injury but she’s totally down to dance, you guys.  She and her partner did a “fully-loaded foxtrot” and scored pretty well.

Sabrina Bryan and Louis

Third on the rotation was “fan favorite” Sabrina Bryan and Louis.  Um, who?  According to her bio she was a “Cheetah Girl” which is apparently a Disney girl group.  So, she’s this year’s Disney Kid.   This time she’s dancing with Louis.  Hmm…this doesn’t have anything to do with her former partner and ex, Mark Ballas, does it?

She danced the cha-cha with hair extensions flying everywhere.  I think the momentum threw the poor thing off because she lost her balance a few times.

Helio and Chelsie

File this one under who?  He’s the racecar driver who won one season.  He’s dancing with a new partner this time, and Chelsie clocked him in the chin during rehearsals.  They did a fuddy duddy foxtrot only Len could love.  Meh.

Pamela Anderson and Tristan McBoner

Pam had to know she was screwed in the dancing department.  I mean, how far can you get before you realize you’re waaay out of your league?  Apparently, all the way to the first show.  Upon meeting her new partner, Pam purred, “You have to contain me.”  It was pretty uncomfortable to watch an aging sex kitten (she’s 45) flirt and fail miserably at dancing.

What we learned watching her (try to) cha-cha: She’s bendy.  And her extensions were a nightmare.

Len said it best: At least you didn’t fall over.  When the best that can be said about your routine is at least you stayed vertical, that doesn’t bode too well for your stay on the show. They scored the lowest for the night, at 17 out of 30.

Bachelor-reject Melissa Rycroft and Tony

Melissa’s had a lot happen since she was on the show – she got married, had a baby, and is a TV host now.  Tony raved about Melissa, saying she’s the best partner he’s ever had.  (What, Kate Gosselin wasn’t your favorite?  That “Paparazzi” dance was epic.)

Their foxtrot needed more “body contact” – a criticism we heard several times on the show.

Apolo Anton Ohno and Karina

Ah, yes.  He of the three names, a la Sarah Michelle Gellar and Mary Kate Olsen, who was season 4’s champion.  He and his new partner Karina wore glow-in-the-dark jewelry and he sported a pair of hot pink leopard suspenders only Snooki and JWoww could love.  Carrie Ann Inaba said his hip action made him “3,000 times more sexy.”  But the neon yellow bracelet and skintight shiny blue shirt drove that down to zero in my book.

Gilles Marini and Peta

The hottie French actor teamed up with Peta, who led Donald Driver to victory last season, and they are pretty hot together.  After his foxtrot, Pam Anderson looked really sad.  They finished near the top of the leaderboard, with 24 out of 30.  Two words: hubba hubba.

Bristol “It’s an election year” Palin and Mark

Did you know when you switch Bristol’s last name around you get Plain?  That’s a dead-on assessment of her dancing skills.  She and Mark did a stiff cha-cha to P!nk’s “Blow Me (One Last Kiss).”  A little ironic in the music department.

“TV host” boy-bander Drew Lachey and Anna

The season 2 winner teamed up with Russian Anna, who spoke more in the 30 second package than she has in 13 seasons, criticizing Drew.  “Your arms, man, they bug me.”  Love it.  Their foxtrot looked rusty and rigid.  Len called him a “compact dancer.”  Translation:  You move pretty well for a shrimp-o.

Kelly Monoco and Val Chmerkovskiy

Maks’ little brother, Val, partnered up with Season 1’s winner, soap star Kelly Monaco.  Val was blinded by her giant boobs, because he talked/danced with them the entire time.  They did a nice cha-cha, but I still have no idea who she is.

Kirstie Alley and Maks Chmerkovskiy

Maks played with her boob sweat during rehearsal, remarking, “Your boob is constantly on me,” and played with them again Monday while waiting for their scores.  They did a solid foxtrot, and Kirstie gave host Tom Bergeron a big kiss on the lips (for his Emmy win).  They didn’t score all that great, a 19 out of 30.

What we learned: The Chmerkovskiy brothers are definitely boob men.

Emmitt and Cheryl

Emmitt and Cheryl won season 3.  The two returned to dance the cha-cha.  Emmitt wore two shirts while Cheryl danced in her underpants.  Len loved Emmitt’s “flair” and Carrie Ann and Bruno were similarly bowled over, because they clinched the highest score of the night, 24.5 out of 30.

Here are a few other observations:

  • 6 former champions are competing this season
  • Some of the contestants have teamed up with their old partners
  • Spotted in the audience: new dad Nick Lachey (way to dodge diaper duty, Nick!), Chaz Bono, a Disney Kid, Maria Menounos, Sarah Palin, Kristi Yamaguchi, Mrs. Brady and Buzz Aldrin
  • Pamela looked extremely pissed at the end of the show, and was running her hands through her hair and down her cleavage more frequently than usual.
  • Len was booed 7 times
  • You’re allegedly allowed to vote 13 times per method.  One of us can’t count to 13 (and it ain’t me).  Just sayin’.

What do you think about this year’s stars?  Is it an unfair advantage to allow pairs to dance with their old partners?  Who should get the boot first?

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