My Sweet Pea just turned one last Saturday and to celebrate this milestone, he decided to start walking full time. Technically, he had started taking tentative steps around 10 months old, but he was only a part-time walker - preferring the speed and ease of crawling when he had to get somewhere. Now he lurches and sways around the house with the drunken gait of a sloshed sailor on shore leave. The cats are startled by this new biped in the house. One of them was rudely awakened from an extended nap by a delighted squeal and a rain of drool from above as the newly minted walker strolled by. I swear the cat did a startled double-take as if he were thinking, “What the…? I thought this one had four legs. I’m confused.”

I knew that it was time to go shoe shopping for real shoes, a ritual I dreaded knowing that I’d stroll into my nearest Stride Rite and the sales person would take one look at my son’s fat feet and steer me away from the display of adorable tiny Pumas and Addidas sneakers and point me towards the ugly, white orthopedic shoe that come in Extra Wide. Having gone through this with my older son (who thankfully now fits into regular shoes), I was prepared. As predicted, the nice saleslady didn’t even have to measure before she steered me towards the three Extra Wide shoes on display. At least they now offered two styles of extra wide shoes in less orthopedic shades of brown, but they certainly did not fulfill my cute shoe standards.

Thankfully, I discovered Tsukihoshi shoes, a Japanese sneaker brand built on an extra wide platform to accommodate fluffy toddler feet. They’re ultra lightweight, machine washable and even boast an antibacterial, removable insole infused with Green Tea. I have no idea why you’d ever want to treat insoles with green tea, but I still think it sounds cool. They’re much hipper than those Stride Rite shoes and retail for around $40. What’s not to love?

I bought my older son a pair in camouflage and they’re the best shoes ever. Not only are they featherweight and ultra comfortable, they are easy to clean. Within three days of purchase, my son plunged into a mud pit and stomped around. I sighed and told him to hose off the excess, caked-on mud so I could run them in the washing machine. But to my amazement, they rinsed off perfectly clean. The mud just slid right off the shoes (they must be treated with something) with a little water and they dried off outside overnight and looked as good as new.

You can find these shoes at www.tsukihoshi.com or www.zappos.com

is this patchwork number by Louis Vuitton selling for $52,500. In addition to being one of the most expensive handbags, it’s also one of the ugliest. Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice purse, but this is just so ostentatiously tacky, I can’t imagine spending $52, let alone adding three zeroes. There are only 5 of these bags available in North America(well, 4, because Beyonce snapped one up) and 24 worldwide. What makes this bag so special is that 14 other LV bags had to be killed and dismembered and sewn together in crazy patchwork fashion just to create one Tribute Bag. So basically, this is the Frankenstein’s Monster of Bags. Here’s the Washington Post article about this purse.

For a list of handbags that are even more expensive, check out this link.

The unholy union of crocs and uggs has produced this footwear monstrosity — the “Cruggs.”

Just when I thought Crocs and Uggs couldn’t get any uglier, they mated and produced a lovechild without any of the hybrid vigor from combining such disparate shoe genes. In fact, the positive features of each shoe are effectively canceled out.

On an aesthetic level, I think Crocs and Uggs are the fugliest things on feet next to bunions and hammer toes. But as a practical parent, I think they’re the best invention since the sippy cup. Maybe it’s the scaled-down size, but I even think Crocs and Uggs are cute on kids.

In the summer, nothing beats the ease of wear and care of Crocs. There’s no velcro or shoelaces to fuss with and when you’re perpetually late with a dawdling child, slipping into them and running out the door is such a time saver. When they get dirty, just throw them into the washing machine. Similarly, Uggs are also genius in the winter (or what passes for that season here in So Cal).

But why oh why would you ever want to combine the two? It’s just so wrong.

Living in Los Angeles affords plenty of opportunities to view fashion violations up close and personal. The one I find the saddest and most uncomfortable has to be seeing women of a certain age dressed in age-inappropriate clothing.

I don’t care if your pilates-toned, carb-deprived, liposuctioned figure can pull it off. If the face doesn’t match the clothes, you’re not fooling anybody. And when the weather gets hot, whoa nelly! That’s when panty lines and support bra straps start peeking out.

Case in point, my mother-in-law, who is a very fit 62-year-old, has recently started to wear skimpy baby doll dresses over jeans. Plunging necklines and spaghetti straps aren’t mean to showcase sun damage, wrinkled decolletage, liver spots and flabby triceps. (Not to mention that these dresses are best worn with another tank top layered underneath for coverage — a step she overlooks.)

So the other day, she comes to visit her grandson wearing a plunging, empire waisted, mini-dress that is cut so low in front and back that I can see her beige support bra hanging out. Not even a cute bra, just a very granny, supportive bra. Every time she leaned over, which is a lot when you’re playing with a 9-month-old who is crawling, I saw entirely too much of her. I didn’t know where to look and I had to avert my eyes the entire visit. I desperately wanted to say something, maybe gently suggest she wear another camisole or tank top underneath the dress, but figured she’d only take offense. It was a “Golden Girls” meets “Eric Brokovich” fashion statement.

I blame the “Forever 21-ization” of clothing. I’m not saying that women shouldn’t look sexy and wear whatever looks flattering for their body type, regardless of age. I think there are very few fashion rules anymore. But — and this is my big but — it’s a fine line between sexy and trashy. A mini skirt worn with ballet flats is cute and flirty, but take that skirt and wear it with platform heels and it’s perfect for Sunset Blvd, but raises eyebrows at the PTA meeting.

And undergarments should remain UNDER clothing!!! I should not have to spend an entire afternoon staring at my mother in law’s saggy tits. Since I cannot poke out my mind’s eye, the damage is done forever.