I’ve Fallen and I can’t get up!

I used to snicker at those classic Life Alert commercials for fallen seniors like everyone else - until I took a spill today. It happened in my taekwondo class while I was doing a roundhouse kick to a paddle held at my partner’s head level. As I spun on my left leg, my foot slipped out from under me and the next thing I knew, I went down like a ton of bricks onto my left side and forearm. Hard. The force snapped my shoulders and neck to my right side and I lay there, stunned and frozen with pain for a few minutes. Everybody rushed over to me in alarm, but although I was stiff and in pain, nothing was broken or pulled. Just jarred and sore.

Note to self: Some beauty routines are death traps. I have a nightly ritual of slathering my calloused feet with AmLactin alpha hydroxy lotion and then layering that with Burt’s Bees foot lotion. My feet are soft and smooth, if a little greasy the next morning. I rolled out of bed and went straight to class this morning, postponing my morning shower until after I worked out.

Lotion-y bare feet + karate mat = I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get up!

I resumed the rest of my workout even though I was stiff and in pain because I reasoned that sitting around and letting my muscles get cold would only make me feel worse. By the end of class, I was feeling much better and it wasn’t until the car ride home when I was stationary for ten minutes that the pain began to peak. I took a hot shower and popped two extra strength Advil and let my toddler watch an extra TV show while I rested with an ice pack on my neck. My 21-month-old was dancing around to Yo Gabba Gabba and he tripped over a toy and fell down, and got back up without missing a beat. I couldn’t help but envy the boing of youth.

I watch my boys fall down all the time. I’m quick to say briskly, “Oops. Up on your feet” in order to avoid escalating the drama. And it’s amazing how small children are like Gumby. Maybe it’s because they’re closer to the ground, maybe it’s because their bones and joints are more springy, but they recover from spills and falls multiple times a day. Now I’m 37 and in excellent physical condition, but a fall at my age really f*cking hurts! I used to eat pavement all the time as a kid while rollerskating or running and it never phased me. Now I count myself lucky that I didn’t break my hip and have started upping my calcium intake. It makes me want to buy a Life Alert necklace. Are those still for sale?

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