Keeping Cooties off your Cutie

These little signs from My Tiny Hands are just a way of saying, “Keep your f*@king hands off my baby!” Too bad it doesn’t dispense Purell as well.

I think these signs are a good idea in theory, but in reality the greatest offenders are usually the elderly and the under 5-year-old set - two groups who don’t read very well and have notoriously poor hygiene. Those little old ladies have conveniently dim eyesight when they’re cutting in front of you in line at the deli. Yet they never miss the fine print on a coupon at the grocery store and can spy a baby within a 5-mile radius. Although you may attempt to pick up the pace to avoid them, they suddenly become quite spry when chasing after your stroller.

And other children are drawn to babies like moths to a flame. They’ll come running with sticky hands outstreched that are just petrie dishes with opposable thumbs.

Perhaps a more effective sign would be one that uses images instead of pictures, like those hilarious cautious signs in parking garages warning pedestrians with a graphic image of a barrier gate arm coming down on a stick figure. Instead there should be an X-ed out sign with a hand coming towards a baby and some ominous electrical currents emanating, threatening to zap any trespasser. Now that’s a sign I’d buy.

Even better, every stroller should come equipped with a detachable cattle prod or have an electrified canopy to keep those pesky, germy looky-loos at a discreet distance.