“Love is friendship on fire.”

Perhaps the greatest line I’ve heard this week.

This afternoon while sitting on the subway, I leafed through a new dating guide, Date Decoder. Some of the most interesting material, though, I think applies just as much to questionable friends as mates.

Take a look. I bet each and every one of you know someone at least some of this applies to! Interestingly enough, the seven “deadly sins” can sometimes be a *good* thing, depending on how they manifest themselves.

Greed
Negative: Chooses friends for what they can provide. Never pays for anything; tries to avoid the check
Positive: Wants the best of everything, but is sensitive to others’ strained resources—invites them over for dinner instead of going out

Pride
Negative: Condescending; belittles others
Positive: Acknowledging value (of relationship, as well as contribution) person brings to the world

And an important variation of pride,

Vanity
Negative: Only hangs out with beautiful people, or only hangs out with people who are less attractive so he appears more attractive
Positive: Gives compliments that help bolster others’ self image, so they never feel less-than

Envy
Negative: Minimizes accomplishment of friends
Positive: Asks for pointers to improve his game, their finances, and so on

Gluttony
Negative: Drinks too much, eats to much, smokes too much…
Positive: Not afraid to enjoy things to the fullest

Lust
Negative: Constantly hitting on women he shouldn’t be hitting on; women can’t be friends, they are all possible lovers
Positive: Flirting without intention, making a woman feel better about her attractiveness without hitting on her

Anger
Negative: Bullying; dominates friends so they are afraid to say anything to him
Positive: Engages in animated disagreement aimed at a resolution, shows respect

Sloth
Negative: Rather than go anywhere, he tells people to come over—and bring something.
Knows nothing about his friends, because he makes no emotional investment; friends are just bodies in his life.
Positive: Relaxes; sits and listens to friends—not “on” all the time

A lot of us are (ahem) looking for a place to live. And we may be tempted to jump on the first affordable studio anywhere near a subway that allows inhabitation of adorable little pups.

But…wait! You want to consider who you will run into when getting your morning coffee or evening martini, and help is on the way.

I’ve just discovered Cyberhomes.com, a new online property information site that gives you a look into the singles make-up of your zip code. Just type in your address or zip code at Cyberhomes.com and you will get back information on the percent of married/single/divorced people in your neighborhood, the median age range and even the male/female ratio in your particular zip code! Dig even deeper to find the breakdown of political party dominance (if your looking for a right or left-wing hottie) and average level of education.

Dating is pretty daunting…knowing you have a great shot of finding your other half right in your backyard is great way to get a headstart.

Love was in bloom in Park Slope this afternoon.

As I sat astride my window seat at my favorite coffee house, I watched as a hipster couple sat on the bench outside. Sharing a gourd of Yerba Mate and donning skinny jeans with indie rock t-shirts, they sported matching fuchsia highlights and openly cuddled.

Across the way, nestled on a Tea Lounge couch, was a girl sitting herself. A few minutes passed, and a man enters, they hug awkwardly and sit, beginning to make small talk. As I (accidentally) listen in on their conversation, I realize I am a fly on the wall for *a first date*!

And then I hear the best words of all, “So, how’s JDate working out for you?” Holy grail, my friends: I had a front-row seat observing the initial in-person meeting of two JDaters! I have an old friend obsessed with this site, adding to the possible-comedy of this moment, and so I just had to IM her. She immediately demanded a total physical description of said man, any info I could get on his age/career, and if possible, a name and approximate neighborhood of dwelling. I swear, I could hear her fingers rushing across the keys, throwing herself in to the JDate search engine, as we chatted.

This friend of mine is somewhat obsessed with finding the perfect Jewish boy (preferably with real estate and a six-figure salary) to meet, marry, and mate with - ideally before she turns 30. As she just turned 29, the matter has become one of some urgency, and now her driving force in life - before career, friendship, or even shopping - is to get her man asap. Consequently, many of our recent conversations have gone something like this:

Friend: Aly, oh my god, where have you been?

Me: Right here…?

Friend: I haven’t talked to you in ages! We absolutely must go out and catch up.

Me: OK! Sure.

Friend: I have the perfect plan. There’s a Purim extravaganza this Sunday night at a mansion in Harlem. It’s only $40 a person!

Me: Um…I think I’ll pass.

Friend: Well, there’s another one this Wednesday. You have to go to one of them.

Me: What do you get for the $40?

Friend: Uh…entry?

I pass, and friend who desperately missed me five minutes ago then closes out our G-chat. Apparently, our experience at last year’s Chanukah party by this organization was not enough to dissuade her (we paid $30 each to enjoy a buffet of soggy latkas. We then were so hungry, we had to go out for sushi. Interestingly, it wasn’t kosher.).

I think that such ridiculous demands and requirements upon ourselves - must marry by 30, meet a Jewish guy (or whatever), have 2.5 kids and a dog by 32, just sets ourselves up for disappointment - and desperation. And what happens? You end up on a 2-hour IRT train voyage to Harlem on a Sunday night wearing your Purim masque, cash in hand - knowing ultimately you’ll be just as disappointed as you were with every other lame party. (And she is. She leaves every such event in bitter tears, swearing them off forevermore. Until the next one.)

As for the pair in the Tea Lounge, sadly the coffee date did not go well for them. After about 40 minutes of lapses in conversation and nervous laughter, they went their separate ways…and probably back to update their perspective JDate profiles.

All to be that fuchsia-highlighted couple on the front bench.

Dating and dining go together naturally. Trying new restaurants while meeting new people is part of the fun of single life. It is possible to have too much of a good thing, and right now you would be wise to avoid over-indulging.

“Sometimes me think, what is love? And then me think love is what last cookie is for. Me give up the last cookie for you.”

So said Cookie Monster, who turned out to be quite the wise sage. The inherent concept is a great gauge of our relationships, their frailties, and how confident we feel within them. While I’d freely give my last cookie away…I can’t think of anyone at all who would do that for me. Even those who profess to love me. And doesn’t that pretty much says it all?

Which brings us to the question: Is it wrong to let that bother us? Should we love freely, and not let ourselves be bogged down by some great big blackboard tally? Is generosity something that should be metered in return value? Is that just bad karma? Or is it only fair — and justified - to want to be cared about as much as we care? To get out of the universe what we put into it?

I like to think we can propel that magic big cookie to be returned by ourselves doling out the biggest, fudgiest one we can. But that just may be setting me up for a bigger disappointment, ultimately.

Oh well. Who needs cookies anyway.

PointsandPrizes.com Keyword: CONFIDENT worth 25 points good through 03/16/08.
Not a member? Join Points and Prizes now for more free stuff!

Sign No. 492 I must move immediately:

I wake up, and there’s 2 police cars, an ambulance, and a mysterious black van parked next door to my house.

Oddly, this increased level of “protection” is rather frightening.

I think we are spending more and more time in transit these days - whether chugging along on a subway commute or gripping a wheel through hours of traffic to get to the job we don’t actually wish to be at in the first place. And people who spend so much time in the car tend to make a pig sty of it.

Stains that range from a spilled latte or dropped mascara wand to the leftover Thai takeout that spilled onto your carpet can make your car more of a nightmare prison than a home away from home.

And let’s face it, no matter how great your hair cut and your new coat, if you are driving away in a dirty, smelly, mess…it’s going to reflect on you. In fact, a recent survey by YES Essentials show that nearly eight in ten drivers (77%) believe that the inside of someone’s car tells them a lot more about a person’s interests and lifestyle. When it comes to women’s “inferior interior” in the car, the study shows they are more sensitive to this issue than men. More than one in two (53%) have issued a warning to potential passengers, vs. just 43 percent of men. In fact, nearly two out of five drivers (37 percent) admit that they would be embarrassed to drive around someone who they wanted to impress!

There seems to not be a ready solution to putting an end to our hurried lifestyles (alas, I may never have a weekend off again!), but my awesome new friends at YES Essentials do have the answer to keeping the interior of the car (and perhaps thus our scattered heads) clean! The proprietary technology is engineered into the fabric, not sprayed on. YES Essentials is the only high-performance line of automobile fabrics and carpets that resists stains, odor and static and for the first time, custom-made seat covers and floor mats are available at YESessentials.com. (Check out Splatthemat.com to see how messy YES Essentials fabric can get, and still look new!)

YES Essentials has a special surprise for our crazed and haried Alytude readers - one grand prize winner will receive a complete set of floor mats and seat covers for the winner’s vehicle (worth $500+!). The products are custom-made, so the winner will have to submit the make, model, year, and interior color of their vehicle when notified of their prize. And two runner-ups will receive an awesome prize as well - - one for a complete set of floor mats, and another for a complete set of seat covers!

I will choose the winner by March 10th based on the following info:

1 - Send me a tale of the absolute grossest mess you ever created in your car - or saw in someone else’s. (Extra credit for photo recreations.)

2 - Show you love me (well, at least more than your clutter)! Scroll back and tell me three topics I have written about in the last week, and what, if anything, you learned from any of them.

This is a *really* good one, so feel free to bribe and flatter at will…

PointsandPrizes.com Keyword: HURRIED worth 25 points good through 03/09/08.
Not a member? Join Points and Prizes now for more free stuff!

My mom has a theory that men don’t mature past the age of 12. I choose to disagree, because some of my favorite minds are of the male persuasion. That said, even they have their quirks.

I am beginning to think though that the few defy this categorization are just lucky, and the the majority are, well, pretty damn damaged.

Case in point: A friend texted me last night while I was out to dinner. She was devastated.

Apparently, her boyfriend of about two years invited her over Wednesday night, where they shared a bottle of champagne, made dinner together, and she spent the night. It was romantic, they had a great time, (for the record, they had a great time *twice*), and then in the morning they said their goodbyes and went to work.

By about lunch time, she received a text from him (a text!) that he needed to experience “being alone” for a while and wanted space, and they could arrange some time this weekend for her to collect the stuff she had at his place. No warning, no argument, he just “wants to be alone”.

Apparently, his best friend recently became single, and thus he now had the option for them to be single guys together. For some reason, this seems to motivate men - positively and negativity - we’ve noticed before in our own crowd. Men love to be coupled when their friends are coupled, but the vice-versa is just as true.

So, the message here? If you have one of the good ones, hold on to him. But be careful, sometimes the good ones can suddenly jump up and bite you in the ass as well. (And not in the good way…alas.)

Some of you may be planning to spend Valentines alone in your bathrobe with a box of candy. Maybe you are single. Maybe your significant other is just exceedingly lame to such matters. Whatever the case, rather than imbibe chocolate and feel sorry for yourself…there’s fun to be had!

If your sex life is looking bleaker and bleaker, and your man is looking less and less like the steamy hunk of male flesh he once-upon-a-decade appeared to be, there’s no better revenge than looking good.

(Hey, it worked for Ivana!)

Tomorrow, Valentine’s Day, Crunch gyms across the nation are inviting all victims of love to take out their post-relationship aggression in an intense anti-Valentines Day boxing class. Participants bring in a picture of their ex to tape on a focus mitt and pair up with another bitter boxer, because it’s time to get even. K.O. your former (or soon-to-be former) flame, burn calories, tone arms, and perfect your right hook.

Drinks and hors d’oeuvres will be served after the class and participants get the chance to win a “date” with a personal trainer. This is open to the public, you don’t even have to be a Crunch member to participate!

For details and locations, visit: http://www.crunch.com/crunch/about/detail.aspx?id=87