Prom minus seven days

I have been invited to prom.

It’s an adult retro-80s pseudo-parody event, but it promises to, potentially, be the penultimate in the history of the tradition.

(Most notably because my own age-appropriate prom ended in my date drinking too much paper-cup wine, dancing on the table, and being picked up by his mom.)

To further complicate the situation, eBay has forsaken me and the hot vintage look I won in an auction has never arrived, seller disappeared. Will I have to prom in my skivvies? Will my teeth live to save the day (alas, whitening today). And, gasp, will my hair behave?

This, much like the rain of toads outside my window, is a disaster of potentially epic proportions. Friends, readers, I beseech you…help me get ready! It is but a week away.