The below article was forwarded to me yesterday. It was written by Dr. Mark Rogers, facilitator of Relationship Ready a 3-day workshop designed to help singles date successfully. It raises a lot of good points, and it is something that all of us dating singles out there should take a look at.

After you are done reading, take the “Is Your Picker Broke?” QuickQuiz, and get results sent to your private email immediately:

http://www.assessmentgenerator.com/H/cRmarkrogersphd1173982975.html

The Common Denominator
In a recent Relationship Ready* workshop, an attractive, mid-30ish woman was bemoaning her history of romantic relationships. She recounted a dismal story of partners, one after another, who seemed to be perfect but turned out to have major personality flaws. Those flaws lead to her experiencing disappointment at best, abuse at worst, in a series of painfully miserable relationships, all of which had started out with the delightful euphoria of having finally found the perfect partner.
Eventually the workshop facilitator asked her, “What is the common denominator in all of those relationships?”
Listeners would not have been surprised if she had answered with some diagnosis of an underlying personality disorder in all of her partners. Her description of the relationships she’d experienced showed more than average insight, and she had obviously thought long and hard about what had happened to her. She could easily have named some common thread of dysfunction - fear of commitment, incapacity for developing emotional intimacy, a tendency towards chemical dependency - and none of us who were present would have been surprised. However, what she said shocked us all.
She was quiet for a few long moments, bowed her head, and then with tears welling up in her eyes, looked directly at the facilitator and said, “I think my picker’s broke.”
Your History of Romance
When your history of romance includes more misery than magic, more eventual pain than enduring pleasure, it’s tempting to blame your partners. It’s not that difficult to identify what’s wrong with them after the relationship ends. By that time, you can usually come up with a list of things.
Apparently however, it’s tough to tell up front, early on, during the get-to-know you phase, that a partner is going to be untrustworthy, unavailable, unreliable, uncommunicative. When they are in full-speed ahead dating mode, most partners - male and female - are putting their best feet forward. And then, when the euphoria of new love wells up within the hearts of the newly infatuated, there’s no critical assessment going on at all.
At least, not by the partners who are heady on heart-swelling. Friends and family can know better, and often they will try to dissuade their loved one from pursuing a relationship they are convinced is bad news. To no avail, of course. Opposition from friends and family only throws the new lover into the arms of the beloved, where the couple find the beleaguered relationship even more enticing.
When Your Partner Picker’s Broke
If your Partner Picking Pattern is defective, you know that the euphoric phase of romance is not a good indicator of the eventual course of the relationship.
In fact, your infatuation feelings ought to come with a Surgeon General’s warning: “Intensity and Urgency of Romantic Inclinations has been shown to be dangerous to your emotional health and mental stability. Your heart will thank you if you keep it on a tight leash to keep it from rushing headlong into the briar patch chasing any attractive rabbit that pops up.”
A defective Partner Picker won’t ring warning bells when the object of your affections displays symptoms, indicators of future problems that your friends and family can plainly see coming. If you would listen to those who love you, they could and would tell you when you’re making a bad mistake. But part of a deficient Partner Picker syndrome is becoming deaf and blind. Deaf to your friends, blind to your partner’s flaws.
If your Partner Picker’s broke, you find yourself falling blindly in love with folks you should be watching very carefully. It doesn’t feel like blindness when it’s happening, it feels like visionary clarity. But that’s just the euphoria affecting your emotional eyesight.
When your Partner Picker’s broke, you know you’ve made a mistake later on, much too later on, after the relationship has sunk some roots down into your life and heart. That’s why romance becomes such a pain-filled endeavor. You keep having to uproot relationships from the most intimate parts of who you are.
Common Conclusions
When your Partner Picker’s broke, you can look back over your history of romance and come to these common conclusions:

* I get into relationships too soon or too suddenly, as if there were powerful magnets at work.

* I don’t see - even deliberately ignore - signs that I should pay attention to, signals that the relationship is seriously flawed.

* I pick partners who have some common threads of dysfunction. There’s a pattern in my picking, and it’s not pretty.

* I don’t do it on purpose. I even try really hard not to pick partners who are bad for me. (I’m not that sick, really.) But it happens anyway.

* I’m not that attracted to partners who are good for me. There’s chemistry only with the ones who are bad for me. (Am I that sick, really?)

Bad News and Good News
If your Partner Picking Pattern is defective, there’s bad news and good news.
The bad news is that the dynamics that lead to picking bad partners run deep and don’t go away by themselves. You aren’t likely to be able to consciously affect them successfully, without doing some major work on yourself. Trying harder won’t work. Neither will feeling really bad after a relationship ends. Pain may be highly motivating, but it’s not particularly instructive in this regard.
The good news?
You can do the work on yourself. It’s really not about your partners, although it certainly looks that way. You can identify the pattern of your romantic radar and then you can retune it. That way, you won’t be attracted to or attract those partners who are bad for you. Your radar won’t ping on them, and it won’t send out a signal for them to follow to you.
The work that you need to do on yourself is maybe obvious to others, but it might not be to you. Or if it is obvious to you, you might not know how to do it. Or if you know how to do it, it feels enormously difficult to accomplish. Not just pedaling up a steep hill, it feels like climbing Mt. Everest. It’s hard work, always, and you can’t do it by yourself, hardly ever, but it IS doable. It’s only hard, not impossible. And the tasks are straightforward, if difficult.
Repairing Your Romantic Radar
To repair a broken Partner Picker - and retune your romantic radar - you need to accomplish three things:

* Identify what your dynamics (not your deliberate intentions, your underlying dynamics) are looking for.

* Reframe that search, changing it from “Finding the perfect partner” to “Fully growing myself up emotionally.”

* Begin maturing your insides, the part(s) of you that are trying to solve by partnering what can only be fulfilled by becoming an emotional adult.

If the second and the third points sound strange to you, then you are normal. Most folks don’t know - even in this highly psychologized culture - about the connections between romance and emotional development.
That connection and the steps you can take to retune your romantic radar are the central themes of Relationship Ready, Pathways’ enormously successful experience-based training for singles. If you have had enough of picking partners who turn out to be bad for you, if you have collected a critical mass of misery in romance, or if you have had your fill of friends and family doing relationship interventions on you, you deserve what you can get from Relationship Ready.

My dear friend Allie and myself are co-hosting a benefit party this Friday night at 87 Lounge on the corner of Ludlow and Delancey on the Lower East Side.

When? THIS FRIDAY, March 30, 7 P.M. - Midnight

Where? 87 Lounge - 87 Ludlow (just south of Delancey)

Proceeds of the event will benefit Team Elk in the America Cancer Society’s Relay For Life!

We have joined forces as TEAM ELK to fight cancer in the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life in Brooklyn, New York this summer. (As have the elk.)

Please join us for a night of fun, friends, and Elk-tinis … for a good cause!

Proceeds of the event will go to The Elks’ Relay For Life team, where it will support the American Cancer Society’s mission of cancer prevention, research, advocacy, and patient services. And in case you, too, wish to be an elk, on-site registration will also be available.

Team page and donation info can be found at:
https://www.kintera.org/faf/search/searchTeamPart.asp?ievent=213801&lis=1&kntae213801=58064C5D0BB4483491AFBCAF54AA17C9&supId=0&team=1796936&cj=Y

***
87 Lounge
87 Ludlow (just south of Delancey)
take the F J M or Z train to Delancey, walk one block west.

Two new articles up at She Knows, both are related to…exactly what’s on your mind right now.

1 - Passion Play: Choosing the Ideal First Sex Toy:

http://sheknows.com/about/look/7951.htm 

2 - Feel the fire ebbing in your relationship? Some great tips for reigniting your passion:

http://sheknows.com/about/look/7950.htm 

An update.

Apparently Joy is, indeed, a joy. (Drum roll, please.)

The closet makeover system uses extra-thin velvet hangers that take up way less space than the traditional plastic ones. The result? Room for more hangers! (I especially love the multi-tiered pants hangers. I was able to fit 8 pairs of jeans on one hanger.

(Yes, I realize I should not own that many jeans in the first place…)

Remember the piles of shoes and boxes on the bottom of my closet?

Round boxes for lingerie and bags,collapseable storage boxes for boots, shoes and sandals (I have even separated by season!)…makes my closet a whole new world.

Being I am closet doorless (alas), there are additional features I have yet to take advantage of … but to be continued after my big change of venue (Coming soon!)

Alas, I never got the neat gene.

Nor are my jeans neat.

So, when the people at Joy Mangano contacted me and suggested I try out her closet makeover system, I was intrigued.

Mangano is pretty much the organizational goddess of HSN, and her system of huggable hangers and collapsible storage boxes is known for making even the most cramped, hopeless of spaces be born anew.

Hence, my weekend project. Using the closet makeover system, I shall organize my own closet. Below, check out the before pictures, of my closet in its messy state. Tomorrow, we will revisit with the results.

and the contents of the closet emptied onto the floor…

Can Joy Magano’s closet makeover system perform a miracle even for me, the crowned princess of un-domesticity? Stay tuned!

Q: Do Jewish men make better lovers?
A: I don’t think religion has very much to do with a man’s passion for lovemaking, but you never know. I consider myself quite fortunate in my experiences with Jewish men…I find them to be quite attentive.

Q: What’s more important the size of a guy’s wallet, brains or…
A: Brains, because if he’s smart, he knows how to please a woman in bed AND make money.

Q: What’s the best way to get a Jewish girl to sleep with you?
A: If we’re talking about a couple that’s been previously intimate I would suggest giving her oral pleasure AFTER you wine and dine her. If it’s early on in a courtship just be patient and let the woman take the lead. Women enjoy sex just as much as men do. When she’s ready she’ll let you know. If she’s not interested in that level of intimacy she’ll let you know that too.

Q: Was Eve the original temptress?
A: Perhaps. Don’t forget the snake’s role in the whole eating the apple from the tree of knowledge fiasco, though. When a guy only listens to his snake… Stuff happens.

Q: On what date is it ok to have sex with a guy?
A: 3rd or 4th date. Usually the girl will invite the guy up to HER place for sex.

Q: Are all Jewish men little mamma’s boys?
A: Not all. Some are. It’s good to be loved as a child. It enables you to deliver that to others.

Q: What do most Jewish guys do wrong?
A: They aren’t always honest about what they want. My pet peeve is when a man says he will deliver on something and he doesn’t. Don’t send mixed signals. Be up front. Be honest. Be Yourself.

Q: What do you demand of your lovers?
A: Lots of foreplay. I like when a guy knows how to pay proper respect and attention to me in bed. If he does it well, chances are he’ll get to experience the type of pleasure he’s never even dreamed of.

Q: Who should wear the pants in a relationship?
A: You should alternate, but we all know that women were born to wear the pants. Jewish women rule.

Q: What’s the secret to giving a Jewish girl oral pleasure?
A: Practice. You know what I look for? If a guy I’m dating has gone out with another girl for more than a year. That’s a good sign that not only is he not afraid of women, but that it’s possible that he’s become properly trained as a lover.

Q: Larry David once said on an episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” that
President Clinton should have known that receiving oral sex from a Jewish Girl (Monica Lewinsky) would entail major consequences? Do you agree?
A: Of course not. That show is hilarious, though. All the Jewish women I know love to give and receive.

Q: Are all Jewish men short, bald or hairy?
A: Israeli men are actually pretty tall. A lot of Jewish men do tend to recede as they get older. Jewish women just need to get over the hair thing. The bald look can be very sexy. Look at Bruce Willis. Men lose hair, women need to understand that and accept it. It’s not a big thing.

Q: Speaking of hair… And burning bushes…what do you and your girlfriend’s favor?
A: It’s fun to change it up. Usually I go with the strip or a trim. Sometimes it’s great to shave yourself totally bare. No forest though. Who wants to get lost in a forest?

Q: Do most Jewish men appreciate creativity in bed?
A: Of course… do you even have to ask? Matchmaking is all about understanding chemistry and happy friction. Sex should always be exciting and fun. There’s also nothing wrong with disciplining your man once and a while to keep him on his toes. Men need proper training. Sometimes a good spanking is the only way. That goes both ways, although I have adominant personality, I also love exploring my submissive side in bed. What woman doesn’t?

Q: What’s your best feature?
A: My breasts are magnificent. I get a lot of compliments on my face, legs and derriere. Hair is also important. I like mine to be shiny, flat, long and sexy. Like Charlotte ’s hair from “Sex & the City.” Guys love touching it. I have very muscular legs. I enjoy showing them off in a mini-skirt. When guys see me when I’m dressed to kill…forget it, game over. Pale skin and jet black hair is a powerful combination.

Q: Have you ever made a man cry?
A: I’m a Scorpio. What do think? Would you like to try me?

Q: Should the back door be open for more than Elijah?
A: Absolutely. Most women enjoy it if it’s done well. I suggest a slow and gradual approach. It’s an incredible feeling. It seems almost all men are obsessed with women’s derrieres…and to paraphrase Martha Stewart,” That’s a good thing”

Q: What’s the secret to making a good match?
A: Matchmaking is an art and a science. There’s a lot that goes into it. When I make a match based on my instincts I’m almost NEVER wrong.

-Shoshanna Rikon, 2007

I confess, I’m a little bit of a shopping ho. I have so many clothes that my chest drawers no longer close, and much of what I own lives in the laundry bag from wear to wear.One of my great loves is “punny” cool t-shirts. (Blame the editrix.) Some of the latest loves in my closet:

The whole PervArtistry gang were wearing this awesome T-shirt at their recent party at Babeland, and I loved it so much, I had to own one as well. They have many more naughty cool styles for girls and guys at pervartistry.com

Whether you are a pro- or anti-Valentines sort of gal, this T-Shirt is simultaneously a great tribute and parody of the notion of love. Created by celebrity makeup artist and fitness guru Lisa Ruckh, this tee can take you through your different moods and stages of adoration without saying a word. Available at www.loudnclearla.com

Also available at loudnclearla.com, as part of the loudnclearla collection, this Drama Queen t-shirt has become the absolute favorite new (casual) addition to my wardrobe - probably because it IS ME. Well, not me in the literal, they have any idea who I am, sense, but in that it looks like me and personifies my ….ah…we shall say unique charm.

The flaxen-locked gal that I am (see above) tanning is very often not an option. So, I love to mock those who  can.  Thanks localcelebrity.com - I believe I have a new sunny day cover-up!

For those of you who still live at home with your parents, fulfilling the demands of your inner siren sometimes takes a bit of creativity.

That is a constant struggle for the sexiness of the interactive variety (my parents like to simultaneously pretend I’m “pure” and ask where their grandchildren are. It’s interesting), but it’s also true for if you wish to have a little bit of fun solo.

We think of toys, and we imagine the likes of big, loud Jack Rabbits or giant blue jelly dongs, but there’s been a new innovation in the industry, and many now come in ingenious shapes meant to easily fool the casual observer.

Our friends at www.badfun.com have a few suggestions on discreet new pals that you may not even have to hide, no matter what your living situation.

The cone can easily be disguised as a new-age bedroom knick-knack, but is really an ingeniously designed powerhouse that can be programmed to 16 different setting levels. Complete with a position guide, you can program to target your fun (there’s even the “orgasm” button for those of you who don’t know the beauty of delayed gratification), and many suggestions on adapting it for play for two.

Rubber Ducky, you’re the one,
You make bathtime lots of fun,
Rubber Ducky, I’m awfully fond of you;

Doesn’t this toy put Ernie in a whole new perspective???

The Ducky sponge is a waterproof multi-speed vibrating massager. Grab a glass of wine, fill a bubble bath, and enjoy.

Your favorite shade of passion pink? This toy appears to be a tube of lipstick, but is really the most discreet toy of all. Slip it in your purse, and you can get yours anywhere, anytime. It’s a whole other form of passion…

I’m very orally fixated. Generally, this is not a problem, but when trying to watch what you eat, it can become an issue.

I’ve discovered, though, that a constant source of beverages can keep my mouth occupied without forcing me to break out the mu mu. And while water is great for you, and diet soda is a great occasional treat, I find myself in pursuit for beverages that will keep me satisfied without being bored.

The best of my recent finds:

Socko Energy is packed with vitamins and minerals, including Horny Goat Weed, a proven herbal aphrodisaic. Ginseng and caffeine help create energy, too. Interestingly enough, the Socko Slim tastes even better than the regular version.

Celsius is a soda that literally*burns calories*. The only thing better than calorie-free is a drink that helps you lose weight. Enviga is another great negative calorie drink that I have started to stock up on, but Celsius comes in more flavors and has been clinically proven to raise metabolism.

An all-natural choice is Nutrisoda. Their “Slender” variety is a mix of grapefruit and guava, and all of their sodas are nutrient-enhanced with zero sugar, caffeine, sodium or aspartame. These are probably the best tasting of the batch, but do little in the way of creating energy (which us freelancers need in high doses!)

Anyone have other low-cal/high-energy beverage finds? Share with us!

I spent my afternoon at Playboy’s headquarters!